Avenger's Mansion is Decadent and Depraved
by Benestro
Summary: Fear and Loathing as heroic Hawkeye must handle an Intoxicated Iron Man and a savage attack by the Terrible Taskmaster. with apologies to Stan Lee and Hunter Thompson.


Text taken from interview with Clint Barton AKA Hawkeye. At a Chili s restaurant in Ossining, NY.

Yeah, yeah, beer s fine. Oh yeah, and some of those chips and salsa. Wait, limes. Bring some limes. Thanks Sweets! Anyway, Cap insisted we all took turns doing monitor duty . I hated it. It was boring as hell. And I figured a waste of time. I tried to weasel out of it when I could, but, you know. It wasn t too bad if I was by myself, but half the time I d get stuck with someone else. Not somebody you d wanna be stuck with like Wanda, or Ms. Marvel. Oh, no. I d always get stuck with Stark.  
Now, I might sneak around drink a beer or two while on monitor duty, but I stayed pretty sharp. About two-thirds of the time the Masters of Evil or some other pack of assholes would pop up starting shit, so you couldn t sit there and get sloshed. But this one night, man, Stark was way gone. He showed up about two hours late in his old clunky armor huh? Yeah the big gold suit with the antenna, I dunno I think he might puked or crapped in his main armor and had to wear that, he was hammered. Anyway, He showed up about two hours late with two skinny Thai girls in daisy dukes and tube tops and two bottles of Johnny Walker Black. His eyes were already glazed over. He hands his helmet to one of the girls and says. Cheer up Barton, Uncle Tony s here and he s brought the party with him! Jesus Christ, Tony. I said you can t just bring any body in here! Who are these girls? Don t sweat it Hawkeye. He took his right hand off the girl s ass long enough to give me one of those relax gestures. I own the house, so I can bend the house rules a tad now and then. Don t be so uptight you ll upset Sheba and Pia. the girls giggled. Pia s giggle was a little deep. And her bone structure was a little angular. Sweet Jesus. I thought, Is that a dude? Look, Tony. Why don t you take these ladies back to your penthouse, have a few drinks, unwind, I ll swing by after the Vision relieves me and we ll party like its 1999. He whispered something in Pia s ear. And she comes over and wraps herself around me like some kind of anorexic, transvestite python. She smelled like old people, and her shoulders were too wide for the rest of her. I struggled to free myself. Dammit Stark, I gotta watch these monitors in case something happens, so I can t party. And how do you know these girls aren t with HYDRA or something. nonsense. he slurred the words and his head was wobbling around like a toy Chihuahua. These ladies come with the highest recommendation from the Cheetah six Gentleman s nightclub. What better credentials could you ask for? I couldn t answer that one. I was too busy keeping Pia from grabbing my package. I d have slugged her but I wasn t 100% sure if I d be slugging a girl. Back I yelled at her. Get back! Fuck off! She made a pouty look and slunk off back to Tony s lap.  
Stark was drinkin that bottle o whiskey like it was a damn Yoo-Hoo. It was givin me an ulcer just watchin . After he polished off the first bottle I tell him: For fuck s sake Tony, take it easy on that stuff. And you re blocking the monitor screens with that big ass armor. Tony responded by projectile vomiting a good four feet straight at me. I narrowly avoided getting hit by back flipping out of my chair. Good ol gymnastics training from Cap really paid off. The girls screamed and scrambled for cover. Tony lurched up out of his chair, swingin them big armored arms around, knockin shit over. Lookit them rats! he yelled gotta kill them fuckers! the drunk bastard was hallucinatin . He raised his hand like he was gonna start hosin that repulsor ray around. Don t you do it! I yelled at him. There ain t any rats in here! Now calm down, and for God s sake man clean yourself up! You sumbitch. You re one of them! You won t get me! he yells and starts reaching for me with them big mechanical hands; I grab my bow and knock a boxing glove arrow. Of course, I told him something different. Get back, you weird fucker! I got a high explosive arrow aimed right at you skull. I ll blow you to kingdom come! I am Ahab! he slumped down in his chair and it broke under the weight of his armor. He fell flat on his ass. well. he said. you don t have to get mad about it I walked over, staying ready in case he went off on me again, and took the second bottle of whisky from him, okay, Your ol buddy Hawkeye s gonna take this bottle, then we re gonna call Jarvis and see if he ll cut short his night off and help me get you out of that uncomfortable, highly dangerous armor. Then maybe hose you off and put you to bed, huh? Stark mumbled something incoherent and laid back on the floor. I was hopin he d pass out at that point, so he d be easier to handle.

That s when the Taskmaster crashed through the ceiling.

Yeah, the hooded skull-masked guy with the photographic reflexes, none other. He had about a dozen of those AIM guys with him, Yeah, the ones in the beekeeper hats. They must ve landed on the roof and set up some charges while I wrangled Stark s drunk ass, then blasted a hole through the goddamn mansion. I shot several concussion arrows in amongst em. Before they could form up and sent em rollin like tenpins, but Tasky tucked and rolled out of it and was on me swingin that little shield of his straight at my face, and draggin a big hogleg out of a holster on his belt. I ducked under the shield and dove behind a bank of computers for cover. Right in to the lap of Pia. Her and Sheba had hid back there too. My evening was getting worse all the time: Taskmaster was blastin away at my cover and the AIM guys start circling in on me. The communication equipment was in ruins and wouldn t a worked if I could ve got to it. And Iron Man was passed out in the floor. Oh yeah, and I m layin in the lap of a possible she-male. Aright, Hawkeye! the Taskmaster says to me, Make it easy on yourself and hand over the Serpent Crown. You re on your own and we got the drop on ya, see? I couldn t believe he added see on the end like Edward . We ain t got no damn Serpent Crown I hollered back. Point of fact, we ain t even discussed, nor heard about the Serpent Crown for about six months. Ya got bad Intel, ya dumbass! he didn t like that shit so he starts blastin away with that crazy gun of his. Bout that time, Iron Man wakes up.  
He d put his helmet back on and lurched to his feet, and waded through those AIM cats, throwin em this way and that like he was tossin dwarfs. He d smash a table or chair or whatever was handy with his fist when he d get a chance Oh shit I thought he s rampaging like the Hulk! This time, he did start hosin the repulsors around, mostly hitting the walls of the mansion. Coupled with the damage AIM had already done, it looked like curtains for Avenger s Mansion The whole time he s yellin Where s my goddamn whiskey? Hogan! Get me my fuckin bottle! The AIM guys all run like girls for the nearest exit. Tasky starts yellin at em get back here you losers! Don t think this gets you outta payin me!" Right then a repulsor ray damn near takes Taskmaster s head off, and he jumps behind the computer with me and the girls. Sonofabitch! he says. Iron Man s gone apeshit! repulsors sheared off about eight more inches of our cover. Do something! Tasky was yellin at me get that lunatic under control! What the hell for? I asked. You re the damn super villain here! I had him ready for beddy-bye to you and those AIM assholes smashed through the ceiling! we started smelling smoke, We better come up with something, Hawkeye, or that nut job is gonna bury all of us! Taskmaster was right. Tony was bent. Twisted. Alcohol had turned him from happy-go-lucky playboy into some kind of primordial monstrosity. An archetypal bogeyman that had finally come out from under the bed to get us. You got a plan? I asked? Do I have a plan?" he answers. I m the goddamned Taskmaster! you know I got a plan. But if we use my plan, I walk." No way was I letting that go down. Look, throw me a bone here, Tasky, there s just no way I can let you walk. But I tell you what, you come up with a plan that takes Iron Man down WITHOUT killing him, I ll hand you over to the NYPD instead of SHIELD, that ought to take you , what ten minutes to escape? More like five, he tells me. Okay, deal. Now; listen up The Taskmaster came up with a plan. It was rough, ready and highly offensive, but by god, as much as I hated to admit it, it sounded like it would work. I dismantled two of my knockout gas arrows, while tasky got some EMP devices out of his belt, then he starts telling Pia and Sheba the plan in Thai, yeah, the bastard speaks Thai.  
Okay, here s where it gets crazy. Pia and Sheba strip down naked as jaybirds. (Turned out Pia was really a girl after all. I was glad I hadn t punched her.) Then they slowly come walkin out from behind that computer bank, hand in hand. Tony s like: Hughh? sounded kinda like Scooby-Doo. Their all smiles and shit. I give those chicks huge props. It took big brass ones to walk out there to that lunatic that way. So then they start kissing and touching each other, and Tony s all HMMMM! he put s his hands out like he s gonna snatch them girls up. That s when me and the Taskmaster strike. I jump out from behind the girls and right into Tony s grill. I shove those /knockout gas arrowheads right into the eye slits in his helmet, and set em off. Purple smoke spills out of his helmet. (I got the gas colored purple to match my costume. Janet Pym s idea. At the same time Taskmaster had circled around behind him and attaches two EMP devices to the back of the armor and activates em sparks fly and that old clunk Iron Man locks up and keels over. It got real quiet after that. All you could hear was Stark snoring. I made taskmaster help me turn him over on his stomach so he wouldn t choke on his own vomit like Hendrix. Then I got on the phone in the game room and called NYPD, the fire dept. and finally Cap. I told him what happened. He stayed real calm about it and just said he d be right over. I knew he had to be losin his mind. Everything pretty much played out smooth after that. NYPD picked up Tasky, I think he busted out of their squad car before it got to the end of the street. Cap got Jarvis and the two of 'em got Stark out of his armor and cleaned him up, Jarvis drove him back to his penthouse. I slipped Pia and Sheba a grand each out of petty cash. Hell, I Figured they earned it, and it was Starks s money. I thought it over for about thirty-five seconds, then I helped myself to about five bills outta there to, then me and the girls gave double bird fingers to Avenger s mansion and hit the town.

The moral of that story? Never let the demon of alcoholism into your life? Always take your costumed heroics seriously? How about stay the hell away from Iron man. Now, where s my bacon cheeseburger? 


End file.
